hey, can i get ashley back?

i'll be the first to admit that i've always struggled with my weight.
always.
i've always been a little bit on the chubbier side of things.
but i've embraced being a larger girl, because oddly enough, i'm comfortable being me.
i'm also quite tall for a girl (5'9 and 3/4)
i wear size 11 shoes.
i have man-sized hands. really, I do.
i've always been larger.
i'm taller than all of my gal pals.
i'm usually as tall as (or taller) than guys i've gone on dates with.

i'm just bigger.
bigger is better i've always found too.

however, recently i've been sick.  and it lasted for two months.
i wasn't able to workout (one of my stress reliefs)
i started to snack. a lot.
i started gaining the dreaded holiday weight.
i've never been this heavy in my entire life. ever.

today as I stepped on the scale i was slapped in the face with a horrid number i'd like to forget.
however, it's imprinted on my brain.
then a lightbulb went on.
i am usually a really healthy eater, but alas as i review the past week even, i am horrified at what i've found.
i shouldn't be ashamed of my body, but at the same time, i'm not my usual peppy, outgoing self.  i've started to find myself uncomfortable in my own clothes.  they fit a little too snug these days.
i feel better wearing my sweats around all day rather than getting my booty into my 'cute' jeans.

so, alas, as i've been going to war with myself for the past few days (weeks actually) i decided today was the day i start trimming my little gut down.
today is the day i start really really REALLY watching what i eat.

and i don't care what anyone thinks.  i really don't.  i've gained weight, and yes my steroids are partial for some blame, but i also have a tummy who craves sweets.  and i've supported it for far too long.

today i woke up and was determined to lose the dreaded weight i've put on while i've been ill.

so, forgive me for venting. on my blog nonetheless.
however, i feel that if i make my inner struggle public, that i'll be more prone to stick to my new regimen.
i am tired of feeling puffy, feeling large, feeling uncomfortable in my usually comfortable skin.
i need to become me again.

in the next few weeks you might catch me writing about my daily food struggle, a food journal, an exercise log.  but you can just stop reading for awhile i suppose.

i need to get back into my skin, healthy skin.

today:
for breakfast i ate some oatmeal. mmm.
for lunch: 2 large carrots, peeled.  a half can of black beans. an avocado and some lunch meat (not the sugary kind)
dinner will be a surprise, but i will be getting my rumpster on the treadmill this evening and doing cardio for at least 35 minutes tonight.

ok? so there, judge me if you will, but i am going to start feeling healthier.
i am doing this for me.
so i can be my happy self again in my skin.

thanks for listening to this 'rant'

fair thee well bloglies