ready to love again

Not many people know this about me.
I've been pushing the ones I love the most away.
I've blocked out all the joy and happiness.
I've hurt for so long that I am afraid that I'm not deserving of happiness.
I know that is FALSE.
I also know that there is this boy.
I'm afraid that if I let him into my life, that I'll get hurt again.
Or worse, I'll hurt him.
It's so much easier to just be alone than to be a risk taker.
Right?
Wrong.
I've been so afraid to let anything happy and good into my life.
I am just trying to protect myself.
But what good is that?
It's BORING.
It brings me nothing.
I dont really know what I am trying to get at.
I am just trying to get my feelings out.
I have been crying all morning, but I don't really know why.

I think I am ready to love again...
but I am not sure this guy is going to forgive me this time (even though he has about a million times before)
I guess, love is all about taking risks.
It's about fighting for what you want.
Taking the risk.

"Be deliriously happy. Or at least leave yourself open to be. Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived." -Meet Joe Black