it's like i love this {pain}

I don't really even know what to say, but I just feel like I need to say something profound.

I don't really know who even reads this thing called, my blog.  I don't really know if anyone does but my family members...but i guess that's ok.

I don't have anything brilliant to say.  I'm just me.  Living my average life.  Living my life the best that i know how.  I am trying my best to be a good person.  To work hard.  Study lots.  Be kind.  Sincere.  Loving.  Generous.  All the while I am trying to find my place in this big world.

I had the opportunity to become closer to a certain someone the past few weeks.  And I think that's why I am feeling the way I do right now.  I feel pain. clarity. joy. anger. fear. depression. happiness. I feel like I am me again.  I feel.

I hate goodbyes.  I hated telling him that I am not capable of giving him my heart.  I hate that my heart is telling me to not let this person in.  I hate that I feel this way. But I know that I must do what makes me happy.  I must be true to me.  "To thine own self be true" (thank you, Shakespeare). 

I know this is just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo rambling, but it's makes me feel better, okay?

It's hard to tell someone goodbye.  To tell them that you can't talk anymore.  That you can't have them in your life.  That its better for you (for selfish reasons) to be alone again.  To tell them they need to take away their humor. their light. their happiness. their jokes. their humor. their personality. their quirks. their kindness. their wisdom. their energy.  it hurts.  I hurt.

I hurt.

It hurts.

I've cried.

I've struggled.

I've prayed.

but I'd rather hurt, because I know that I am still human.  that I am still capable of feeling. capable of letting someone get close to me.  to let someone care about me.  to allow someone to like me.  and that's all that matters.

I'm me, but just a better and wiser version.